Dear Jimmer

Dear Jimmer,

My Beloved squeeze has devoted the college basketball season to watching you and now has a dreadful case of Jimmer Fever.

As the season began the fever was manageable. Watching a game would cause the fever to spike with a low-grade temperature. An ice cold diet coke served with chips and onion dip helped bring the fever down.

But not for long. He began spending his time browsing the internet searching for any and all reports, replays, photos and rankings he could find.

The fever began to spread. He inserted a comment about you in his everyday dealings with coworkers, he likened scriptures to your skills on the basketball court. Everyone was catching the Fever.

Look at the bright side. My local grocery store, Wegman's, is making a bundle on Beloved's insistance that you will play better when he has snacks, treats, sodas and popcorn available while he and his favorite Feverettes work up a sweat watching you.

So a couple of times a week our version of LaVell Edwards Stadium in our basement plays host to the BYU Cougars but most of all it's you he wants to see.

I won't go so far as to call it a bro-mance, but it's pretty close. He absolutely loves the time he spends watching you and the Cougars play. So, thanks for giving him a great season and carry on 'cause you are doing great missionary work. How many basketball fans are now aware of the Mormon Church and BYU because they know about you?

I know you will be giving him back soon, the Jimmer Fever will subside and he will be somewhat lost and not sure what to do with his free time. Rest assured it's just temporary because Bronco Mendenhall is coming right up.

Google Is On My List

, you are on my list.


Let me explain. For the last two generations the Duff family has used the "Australian Hand Grip" as a quick, effective motivator for non-compliant children. They fell victim to the painful consequence when they didn't get off their rear end when invited/axed/told/ordered to do so.

BEND THE PALM DOWN TOWARDS WRIST, STOP JUST SHORT OF BREAKING THE WRIST.

Last week one of those children wanted more information on the cultural history behind this devilish torment. She "googled" the term only to find no results. Scratching her head she typed "Australian Hand Grip" in the search window a second time. Still no results.

Then it dawned on her THERE.IS.NO.SUCH.THING.AS.THE.AUSTRALIAN.HAND.GRIP!!!

On the day of her great discovery she blurted out during dinner "Dad, I thought you and Grandpa were so smart and sophisticated; that you knew things about other countries and cultures. There is no such thing as the Australian hand grip! I googled it!

We laughed so had I thought we would wet our pants right there at the dinner table. We thought she knew it was a fictional form of abuse.

Dad confessed it was something Grandpa made up a long time ago. It was effective on him as a boy so he implemented the grip on his own kids.

So Google, you have disappointed me this time. I'll be back to use your search engine but will always remember how the pedestal was swiftly pulled out from underneath Dad and Grandpa in her eyes.